Simon's Miracle Elixir
by purple.skivvy
Summary: A song parody based on the books, and inspired by Sweeney Todd. Simon invites the girls to meet his most amiable mistress. None other than the Green Fairy.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The amazing Libba Bray who owns the Gemma Doyle Trilogy, and Stephen Sondheim who owns Sweeney Todd (and to whom I sincerely apologise for butchering the lyrics to 'There's No Place Like London')**

* * *

**There's No Place Like The Realms.**

**_Kartik is about to meet his fate_**

**Gemma:**

I have sailed the world beheld their wonders

From the sweeping lawns of Spence, to the markets of Bombay

But there's no place like the Realms!

**Kartik:** No, there's no place like the Realms…

_**Gemma:**__ (worriedly)Kartik, what is the matter?_

**Kartik:**

You are young

Life has been kind to you

You will learn…

_**Kartik:** It is time for us to part ways Ms Doyle.  
_

**_Gemma is on the verge of tears_**

**Kartik:**

There's a hole in the realms like a great black pit

And Hester Asa Moore inhabits it

And her morals aren't worth what the Gorgon could spit

And it goes by the name of the Temple

At the top of the Temple sit the Untouchables

Making mock of the Rakshana's valuables 

Turning beauty into something terrible

I too have sailed the realms and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of Circe is as wondrous as the moon

But there's no place like the Realms.

**_Meanwhile, Circe deems herself victorious_**

_**Pippa**__: Is everything alright Circe?_

_**Circe:**__ I beg your indulgence, Pippa. My mind is far from easy. In these once familiar realms I feel shadows everywhere._

**Circe:**

There was a Red Head and her lover

And she was pitiful

A foolish Red Head and her lover

She was the reason for his life.

And she was pitiful, and she was murderous

And he was…a traitor

There was a tree that saw that her lover was beautiful

The Tree of Souls it was called 

Who, with a flicker of its branch

Removed her lover from his place

And there was nothing but to wait!

And she would sob!

So sad!

So young!

So lost,

And oh so pitiful!

Circe cackles manically

_**Pippa:**__ My old friend Gemma, Circe, did she, Circe, return?_

_**Circe: **__Ah, that was centuries ago...  
I doubt if anyone would know.  
Now leave me, Pippa.  
There is somewhere I must go,  
Something I must find out.  
Now, and alone._

_**Pippa**__: But surely we will meet again?_

_**Circe:**__ You might find me if you like, around the Winterlands, I wouldn't wonder._

_**Pippa:**__ Until then, Circe._

**Circe:** There's a place in the realms like a great big garden

And it's filled with creatures that are filled with magic

And Hester Asa Moore approaches it…

**_Circe disappears into the shadows and beyond_**

* * *

**And here ends another unlikely chapter in TSFT saga. **

**A/N: Wow, this is really different from what I usually write, but I wanted to write something that involved AGATB and Sweeney Todd (no matter how random it'll turn out to be) and came up with this song parody of sorts.**

**Oh, and please note that I'm actually a huge, huge fan of Kartik and Gemma.**

**'Cowers from Karma enthusiasts'**

**Enjoyed it, or loathed it, tell me all about it…**

**purple.skivvy**


	2. Chapter 2

**Worst Girls in London**

**Pippa:**

Fee! Ann! Gemma!

Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry?

**Gemma:**

You gave me such a fright. I thought you were a ghost!

**Pippa:**

Wait a minute, can't you

Quick! Please sit down! Sit!

All I meant is that I haven't you three for weeks!

Did you come because you missed me girls?

Do forgive me if my head's a little vague

**_Pippa has an Exorcist moment as her head spins around in a most unsettling fashion, and Gemma recoils immediately_**

_Gemma (under her breath): So she is possessed…_

**Pippa:**

Ugh! What is that?

**_A goat's head sits rotting in a filthy corner of the castle. Pippa pretends to look disgusted however this doesn't work for Gemma who is positively disturbed_**

**_because all she sees is Pippa looking suspiciously eager, or perhaps a little hungry?_**

**Pippa:**

You might have thought I was the plague

From the way that you three keep avoiding me

**_Gemma slips behind Ann and attempts to whisper to her a word of warning_**

**Pippa:**

No you don't! Heavens knows I try Gemma. I must get rid of that goat caracass. Doesn't it chill your blood?

_**Gemma clutches at her mother's crescent moon necklace, as if her life depended on it**_

**Pippa:**

Right you are, Bess, would you like a drop of berry juice?

Mind you, I can't hardly blame them-

These are probably the worst girls in London.

I know why nobody cares to take them

I _should_ know

I found them

But graceful? No!

The worst girls in London,

Even that's polite!

The worst girls in London,

If you doubt it, take a look.

**Fee:**

(whispering to Ann) Is that just disgusting?

**Pippa:**

You have to believe it!

It's nothing with a little dusting

Here, girls drink this, you'll need it!

_Fee takes the cup of berry juice off Pippa's hands and puts it aside_

**Pippa:**

The worst girls in London...

**Gemma:**

And no wonder with Circe's feat

What it is

When you get it

Never thought I'd live to see the day

Circe'd think it was a treat

Finding poor girls

Who are dying in factories!

Circe is just that sort!

Does her business but I've noticed something weird.

Lately all the creatures have disappeared!

_Gemma (quietly): Believe you me, I've seen them enter the Winterlands two by two when I was sitting up there in the Cave of Sighs._

_Ann(interruptsand eyes Gemma suspiciously): And what were you doing in the Cave of Sighs?_

_Gemma: Oh you know, the usual. Sorting out who I should form an alliance with._

_Ann: You smell like cinnamon and spices. Mmm...exotic._

_Gemma: Ann, how inappropriate!  
_

**Pippa:**

Have to hand it to her --

What I call a surprise

Making creatures into spies!

Wouldn't do with these girls!

Just the thought of them is enough to make you sick!

And I'm telling you, that Circe is quick!

No denying times is hard

Even harder than taming the worst girls in London.

Only work and nothing more --

Is that just revolting,

My hair greasy and gritty?

It looks like it's dropping,

And tastes like, **_Pippa makes a face_**

Well, pity

A lost girl alone,

With limited freedom,

And the worst girls in London!

Ah, friends

Times is hard. Times is hard!

_Fee: Oh that was marvelous Pip! Bravo! Bravo, indeed! _

_**Fee claps enthusiastically and advances towards Pippa**_

_Pippa (confused): Have we met?_

_**Fee is drained of hope, and feels as if the room were about to cave in. "Swallow me whole" is the only phrase which repeats itself endlessly in her mind like a broken record**_

_Fee: Oh, well….awkward silence, sheepish grin I'm afraid not then. Oh..umm..I better be going._

_**Fee disappears through the door. Pippa doesn't seem fazed at all**_

_Bess: Piece of berry pie Ms Pip?_

_Pippa (sighs): Might as well._

* * *

**A/N: So I've decided to take risks and post a second chapter. Pippa's such a fun character to write about. Anyway, I hope you liked it. Let me know what you thought of it by reviewing! Perhaps I'll throw a bit of Kartik in in the future...besides it's his turn.**

**purple.skivvy**


	3. Chapter 3

**Simon's Miracle Elixir **

**Simon:**

Our Gemma and friends!

May I have your attention please?

Do you stare at fine ladies with immaculate hair

To discover your mind is filling with dread

When you see yourself there

Well lovely Gemma and friends

From tonight you can loosen with ease

I will show you a miracle, her secret you'll bear

Fair ladies, would you care to meet my most amiable mistress--

Trapped in a bottle right here

_**The girls' eyes widen and Ann reaches her hand out. Ann becomes delusional even before she's tried the absinthe and sees a petite fairy knocking her tiny fist against the walls of the glass bottle. Fee swats Ann's hand away and steps back, calm and collected. Of course.**_

**Simon:**

'Twas Simon's Miracle Elixir,

That's what does the trick girls

True, girls, true

Was it quick girls?

Drink it in a tick, girls

Just like an elixir ought to do!

How about a sip, Gemma?

Only costs your sanity, guarateed!

_Gemma (confidently): I'd be much obliged._

_**Gemma takes the glass from Simon and waits for the absinthe to tear through her body. Besides, she's already lost her sanity. Visions, magical powers, terrible secrets. She's **__definitely __**one to be lost amongst the crowd. You can be sure of that.**_

**Simon:**

Does the fairy stimulate your senses?

You can have my oath, Gem,

'Tis not bleak

Wait a minute--

Stimulatin', in'it?

Soon you'll be an addict, just like me!

_**Simon prances about the room gleefully as if he were the Mad Hatter himself. The girls witness a jig with one too many steps. Their minds are hazy. Their host is beyond control. This was chaos in its purest form. But besides that, they were having a ball.**_

**Ann (attempts to pursue Simon): **

Pardon me, Simon, what's that lovely taste?

_**Fee and Gemma look positively jealous and attempt to stop Ann in her tracks.**_

**Felicity and Gemma: **

Drink the rest so it doesn't go to waste!

_**Ann tips the contents of the bottle down her throat and settles down with a piece of paper and pen. This was going to be a long night so she decides to do a compatibility test. Her and Simon Middleton. 14 percent. Ann literally drowns in her sorrows. **_

**Simon:**

Try Simon's Miracle Elixir

Anything is great, girls,

Rule the world

Try the fairy! You can see results girls

When you have the world, at your feet!

_**Simon tilts his hat to Fee. She's absolutely ravenous. Like a crystal ball she can see her destiny in that tiny bottle.**_

**Simon:**

Wanna have a drink, Fee?

_**The green fairy slides out of the bottle and onto Simon's open palm.**_

**Gemma:**

What is this?

**Fee:**

What is this?

**Gemma:**

Looks like…

_**Gemma faints.**_

**Fee: **

Looks like, YOU!

_Simon: Look Fee…_

_Fee: Simon, what kind of concoction is this. Why didn't you tell me? A love child. Oh, you and that… What's her name? A Miss Keaton. I knew it. I KNEW IT!_

_**Fee is hysterical and Simon is shocked into silence. Fee picks up the absinthe spoon and raises it high above her head. Like an evil sorceress about to summon dark spirits, her eyes darken and the frightened Simon whimpers feebly like a lost child. Fee loosens her grip and the spoon falls to floor. She straightens herself and smoothes her skirt.**_

_Fee (composed): Easily fooled aren't you Mr Middleton? Careful you don't let that fortune of yours slip through your fingers. It'll leave a stain upon your family's reputation._

**Simon: **

Let me soften up your mood Fee

**Fee:**

Count your lucky stars for you will lose

**Simon:**

Yes, try the fairy, drink a bottle of it; the lads seem to love it--

**Fee (rolls eyes):**

Filth do to!

_**Fee and Simon retreat to opposite sides of the room.**_

* * *

_**Gemma hears a sharp knock at the window. She untangles herself, walks towards the window and looks down at the street below. She sees Kartik standing there with his arms crossed and a stern expression on his face.**_

_Gemma: Oh no…_

_**Gemma climbs through the window to meet Kartik. She can't be seen amongst the guests at Simon's mother's gathering, however she doesn't realize that the rest of the company downstairs are as tipsy as she is.**_

_**The streetlights dim and Gemma can spot the outline of Kartik emerging from behind the fog which has settled in between them like a wall.**_

_Kartik: Is the Green Fairy as lovely as they say she is?_

_**Gemma edges closer to Kartik and presses her lips daintily against his. Kartik's eyes sparkle magnificently.**_

_Gemma: Did the Green Fairy dazzle you Kartik?_

_**Before Kartik answers, he gently pushes Gemma towards the open carriage door. Gemma takes a seat and waits patiently for an answer.**_

_The Shadows (in a hoarse whisper): No. But you did Most High…_

**--Back at the Party--**

_**A horrific scream interrupts the supposed 'tea party' and everyone stares at Gemma who is sprawled on Simon's bed.**_

_Fee: Shh…Gemma. -Giggles- Hush..darling..hush.._

_**Simon trips over to where Gemma is lying and joins Fee.**_

_Simon: I could have sworn that she had an expression of utmost satisfaction on her face no longer than two seconds ago when she caught a glimpse of me._

_**Fee shoves Simon aside forcefully and he raises his hands in defeat.**_

_Fee (wisely): She's just had a vision. _

_**Fee wiggles her fingers in front of Gemma's frightened eyes. **_

_Fee: She obviously defeated Circe about two seconds ago and realized that Circe was hiding a little trick called immortality up her sleeve. Poor dear._

_Ann (who's just realized what happened and applauds Gemma): Ahh..an excellent opener Gemma. _

_**Holds a candle up to her face and looks around at each person in the room. Her eyes widen.**_

_Ann: Shall I tell you a story?_

* * *

**A/N: I just wanted to shed some light on the Green fairy incident in Rebel Angels. I thought there was probably a bit more to it that's all. Oh, and did anyone used to do those compatibility tests when you were little? Working out how compatible you and your crush are for fun. ****Reviews are always lovely. **

**purple.skivvy**


End file.
